They say when you break up, it hurts a lot because “the person who hurt you the most also made you happy the most.” Or something like that.
I have reason to feel that is true. As you may have read in my previous post about my break up with “Phoenix” I felt exactly like this quote describes.
Now I have a list that can go on and on about the many things that hurt me when I think back on the relationship with Phoenix, but for the sake of you guys, dear readers, I will keep it to a basic five:
1) The way he or she used to text you all the time
This is perhaps the most obvious and immediate cut off you experience. When you go from texting and talking to a person every day or every other day to completely not at all, it is as if someone has put you in withdrawal and refuses to sate your addiction. Despite that person not texting you, you might look at your phone a hundred times. Look at their contact info, click into their messages and try not to be tempted to text them and say something like “hi, I miss you, and I’m and idiot.” If you aren’t texting because you guys are officially done, then delete their messages. If you can, delete their contact information completely.
2) Stalking them on social media: Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, etc.
Sadly, we are all guilty of stalking something or someone on facebook, instagram, and twitter. Unless you are one of those rare unicorns who is not in the social media world, this is the worst thing to do. There is plenty of research (when searched online and found from credible sources) that state being on social media in general will depress you because a daily 5 minute scroll down the feed displays your friends, family, and co workers leading some crazy, wonderful lives. This will only magnify and become 1,000 times worse if its your ex/ex best friend’s profile.
But you look anyway. The first few days are tough. You look every single time you get on. Slowly you might just bring it down to once a day, and if your even tougher than that, you stop looking completely. I unsubscribed (facebook has this option) from my ex’s feeds but its a bit of a process for me to actually delete them, though I feel I will have the strength to do so someday soon. So will you. And if it becomes a subject of long term discontent and torment, have your friends or family delete the person for you. Though its better if you do it yourself.
3) The memories.
This has got to be the worst thing that hurts you when you break up. The vivid memories of the amazing moments you had. That time they took you to the beach or the park. That time you both went to dinner and had the greatest food ever. That times they used to text you good night or good morning. The random times you could text them with some random piece of interesting information you found. It’s all very vivid. They say it’s sad that you know a person really well for awhile and then suddenly one day you stop talking and become strangers. It is the most amazing thing. The most hurtful thing. But the true medicine that cures this ailment of memories is time. Time and your own personal growth that will change you. Who you are today, will not be the person you are tomorrow, next week, next month, and eventually next year. You might even look back and not remember the person or their memories, and you might wonder why you even thought so much about them for that long.
4. The belief that you will never find another.
This can be very damaging to our sense of self and self esteem. We think that the friend or relationship we had for the past how ever many months or years was the best of our lives (it only seems this way at the moment, I promise), we think that they are the best we will ever find. Not to pound the “there are plenty of fish in the sea” cliche but a variance of this idea is that though there are plenty of people out there that you can swim around and find, eventually someone will be looking for you too, and will want you in their lives in such a way that it will change the way you ever perceived your previous relationships.
I struggle with this feeling of foreboding and hopelessness often, but during these times, I try to actively think logically, try to remind myself there are so many people out there, so many opportunities and things I could be doing to better myself, that it is a matter of fate and time when I do meet another person worth my time and love. That excessive worrying about a “what if” scenario is hurting you more than it is benefiting you.
5) Seeing this person.
Well if they lived near you or worked with you or went to the same school, it is likely that you will run into that person face to face. It might cause you anxiety and distress in the beginning to the point that you will start avoiding all those places (which isn’t a good thing) and you might even become disinterested in going to work or school or wherever else. For weeks, I avoided my local mall, I did not want to run into my ex friend I did not want to see them happy with their new friends and be hurt all over again. Eventually, I told myself that it wasn’t doing me good staying away from places I needed to be just because one lame person didn’t see how awesome I was. And it is something just like that that you should remind yourself. That there are others who would gladly be in your company if they had the chance.
I hope this generally encompassed some of the things that you remember or think of after you’ve experienced a break up. Hopefully you found this helpful. Follow and share if you think it was.